I stopped moving

The 24th of September 2019 I had to make the toughest decision of my life, to put my dog down. Technically, I made the decision the night before. That’s when I stopped moving. My life changed and I didn’t know how to cope. Let me explain. I am 39 years old and I hadn’t been alone in my home since I was 21. Alone in the sense that I didn’t have an animal or a human to share living space. There was such a void any time I came home or was home. I ran away from that & would go to a friends or allowed work to keep me busy. It took three days to fully allow myself to face this and it sucked.

The lack of movement was only temporary but it was difficult to begin again. I attempted some mat work the following Monday. Propped my camera to begin recording and began crying when I turned around. See, Chuck’s bed is always in the shot and he’s usually on it. This time he wasn’t. I tried to move and began crying because he wasn’t licking my face or interrupting me. I made it through 10 minutes before I stopped, continued listening to the online class and prepped my dinner.

On Wednesday I went to the studio to have my private lesson with JoAnn. During my pilates lesson, my body felt okay but there were moments where I was cranky. I knew once I got home that I wasn’t fully myself. I was still hurting. Thursday I had my duet with Hillary and that felt better. My body was moving well and I wasn’t allowing the things in my head and heart to block me. My concentration was back.

I had heard of this happening. People go through something sad or traumatic, and they stop doing what they love. I never understood it nor did I think it would happen.

**Update 2/28/20: I couldn’t continue writing. I began crying and didn’t want to finish this post. So to be honest and raw, I am leaving this as is. Unedited.

A Personal Loss

I stopped moving